Harry Potter and the Halfwit Parents 

In a world of magic, where the impossible is made possible by the mere flick of a wrist. In a world where people don’t pay more attention to sentient chocolate. In a world where children are trained to defend themselves from murderers at the tender age of eleven at a school which prides itself on the Caliber of teaching offered. We find ourselves immersed in the world of Mr Potter, a seemingly average boy for all of nine pages in the seven book epic tale.

If your level of Potterfandom disallows you from listening to any active criticism of the plot, characters, locations and general premise of the narrative. Then please do stop reading because it’s impossible to charm the notion that these books aren’t a detailed account of extreme negligence and child abuse.

We’ll start at the beginning as we follow a bunch of wizards, who after their friends were the victims of a double homicide decide to leave their orphaned son with a couple that take it upon themselves to ruin this boy’s life. I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say that growing up in an abusive household isn’t as fun as the brochure makes it out to be. Knowing full well your parents had both died, it’s a miracle that Potter grows up without abandonment issues, and a personality riddled with survivor guilt. Instead we have a plucky individual that can talk to snakes and other people with more confidence than a man from the future betting on horses. Let’s take into account that this little empty headed twat doesn’t even know he’s got a seriously high midiclorian count until the largest homeless man you’ve ever seen, presents him with an arse warmed birthday cake. 

I don’t want to protect the “Muggle” aunt and uncle as they artfully escaped having their faces on watchdog for over a decade, but these wizards aren’t much better harassing a family to the lengths where they feel the only escape is to retreat to a cottage on a rock that can only be reached at low tide. This poses two possibilities. They just abuse anyone that doesn’t want to open the letter of acceptance to their school for the gifted or they having been observing Potter being abused, and have only now decided to sort it out because he’ll be a good boost to the school prospectus.

Once the homeless man takes Harry to a major banking institution (Barclays or Santander?) to retrieve his parents fortune we realise that while this is the first time Harry has been to the vault he never even ponders the idea that Dumbledore dips in whenever he fancies a few in London. That pile of money could have been several times larger when James and Lilly last laid eyes on their pension pot. 

He then goes around talking to some of the shadiest rogue traders ever seen, offering him all sorts from animals to bits of wood to channel his magic. The fat homeless man disappears for a time to probably gamble away what little cash he gets paid for, looking after the monsters in the wood. Once he’s got all his bits and pieces together he’s abandoned in Kings Cross on his own with a mountain of belongings until he’s saved by a horde of ginger children and their obviously well worn mother. They run through a wall which nobody outside of the wizarding world seems to notice. I know Londoners are eyes down walk fast people by nature, but you would think somebody might leave a trip advisor review wondering about the hundreds of children that are disappearing into a wall.

Harry “The Leader of Men” Potter then has a rather uneventful train ride on a novelty railway which takes him back into the custody of the scruffy bum Hagrid (What sick parent names their child Rubeus?). They are then piled into boats to cross a lake to the school that obviously doesn’t meet health and safety standards as these eleven year olds are trusted not to rock the boat at all. Then once inside a magical hat determines if your destined to become a criminal or not. They have a very normal schooling experience bar for the fact they change out geography for broom riding. Obviously at a school of magic they have to deal with subjects that aren’t always going to be safe but you would think that a background check on the dark arts teacher for any terrorist associations would be standard procedure. What’s the wizarding equivalent of dbs checks? At this point of the story though we are unaware of this and apart from a few kids getting knocked about all is well. That is until a Troll gets into the school. Now I’ll just work on the basis that trolls in the HP universe are not the most intelligent beings and somehow this one has just wandered on the school campus without even an alarm bell going off. Bollocks. No one seems to care that the school most definitely has sleeper agent that’s actively working on killing students. So they gather all of the children in the main hall and don’t bother to take a register so Harry the bright spark decides to take his best mate Ron on his mission to further fuel the ego and legacy of Harry Potter the boy with a magical spell reflecting forehead. So they go off and find Hermionie who is having a breakdown in the toilets because these two dickheads abused her for the fact she actually came to school to learn. They manage to scamp out of this situation by the skin of their teeth and no lasting disfigurements. Although I have to say that their on site medical team is incredible and never gets an ounce of the respect they deserve, a bit like the NHS.

The kids gets punished and go on their way, Dumbledore probably throws Harry a creepy uncle wink telling him to keep up the good work and that’s the end of that. The school doesn’t close though, it’s not audited for being unfit for the students and we just quickly forget they had a creature with the power to murder students cruising into bathrooms. The plot goes on and once again Potter is suspicious of Snape. Admittedly he has got the demenour of a child molestor but Potter doesn’t like him, and because of this he becomes suspect number one. I’ve always thought that Harry just wanted Snape out of the way because he was the only teacher that taught him that he couldn’t do whatever he liked just because he had been in the newspaper a few times. The little shit talks in class when the guy is probably trying to explain why you shouldn’t mix bleach and ammonia and Potter looks at him like Snape had just pissed in his cheerios. I’m quickly coming to the conclusion that Harry suffers from a latent mental health condition that will remain untreated until he’s old enough to buy himself a bottle of scrumpy jack to bury his problems anyway.

I’m going to skip a lot of the bollocks until we get to the end with the unicorn ext because of course something lives in the woods that sucks the life out of a horned horse. As a form of punishment being sent into the forest of death is obviously a poor choice because Hazza has been playing hard and fast with the rules anyway, and it probably isn’t his first trip into the glades. If that school has any sort of a drug ring then that’s were those kids are stashing it. You know it’s a fairy tail when no ones attempting to smoke in the quiddich arena when the games not on. No risky kid who’s dabbling in weed to fund his triwizard tournament gambling addiction. Whatever the paddy power of the wizarding world is, I’m sure it doesn’t have the same help system for addiction as the western world does.

The main failure of the entire faculty was ever letting a vault which would house the tool needed to resurrect Magic Hitler. Then make the whole thing woefully inadequate so that three children in their first year of secondary education are able to completely bypass all of the security features with relative ease. Ron bites the dust as he usually does to enhance the ballad of Harry “gonna get my friends killed” Potter but what great character wouldn’t have his own martyr. All the heroes died in the last war buddy. Harry pushes on into the room where Magic Hitler is trying to get a stone out of a mirror but can’t quite crack it, waiting until he’s literally in front of the thing before addressing the issue. Now I know it could be said that Dumbledore planned all of this to put Harry onto the “right path” but trying to kick start your own child army like a frail Kony isn’t going to make you look any better in the press. I’ve always wondered why he really ended up in prison, 

So Harry defeats the evil overlord without knowing that he had some all powerful juju magic protecting him, and wakes up in hospital while his pseudo Grandad watching him sleep while eating sweets. They chat about love and happiness and then he goes on his way. Harry attends the end of year ball in which the criminals are about to be made the winners until of course Dumbledore picks up his favourites and awards them just enough points to win. What is the point in trying hard at this school when your achievements are washed away at a flick of the wrist. If I was a member of the PTA I would be fuming. I suppose it’s a sad insight into the state of our own society  that endangering lives and murder enquiries don’t apply to the rich and famous. 

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